Joseph and Mary’s engagement was interrupted by a very emotional event. Though Mary was a pure virgin, the Holy Spirit placed baby Jesus insider of her. She could not hide this fact from Joseph, yet how would he believe her? Even before marriage, this young couple faced a serious communication challenge. In it, they were able to share their hearts openly, pray about the difficulty, and remain a team through the whole event. How did they do it? They had learned to communicate and support each other.

Marriage counsellors say that poor communication is one of the major problems in marriages today. As Home Builders, we too must learn to communicate if we are going to have happy, harmonious homes.

Transition

This evening we are going to examine four actions you can take to improve your communication.

Prepare Your Heart

Communication originates in your heart

  1. Your heart is the pitcher from which your words flow.
    Matthew 15:19 For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies:

    1. The content of your heart will decide the content of your words. Bitterness in your heart will produce words that are cruel, harsh, hurtful, unkind, or mean. Godliness in your heart will produce words that are kind, tender, empathetic, loving, or caring.
    2. Keeping your heart clean will help you control your untameable tongue.
      James 3:8 But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.
  2. You cannot talk sweetly with a sour heart
    1. Your heart must cherish your marriage. You must faithfully leave, cleave, and weave. You must thoughtfully love and respect your spouse.
    2. Your heart must quash selfishness. You must be convinced that selfishness is harmful, admit any selfishness, and with God’s help quash it.
    3. Your heart must forgive completely. Bitterness, unresolved anger, or an unwillingness to confess or forgive will sour your heart.
      If you still have a sour heart about any of these issues, listen to those sermons again. You cannot talk sweetly with a sour heart.

Contents of your heart come out in three ways.[*]

  1. In words: We should choose our words carefully.
  2. In tones: The tone of our voice can totally change the meaning of our words.
    Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
  3. In non-verbal actions: These include facial expressions, eye contact, gestures, posture, and touch. To say, “I forgive you” with a hateful glare in the eye and a frown, contradicts what is said.

Open Your Ears

According to Les Parrott, 98% of good communication is listening. Hearing is passive. Listening is actively interacting with the message.[†]

Open your ears and listen attentively

  1. Stop, look, and listen. Listen with interest. Listen with both ears. (I need to work on this one!)
    James 1:19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
  2. Do not interrupt while someone is talking.
  3. If someone speaks crossly to you, look for the cause behind the words. Ask yourself, “Did I hurt them?”, “Did I say something unkind?”, “Did I forget something?”, or “Was I selfish?”

Clarify what you heard

  1. It is always a good idea calmly to repeat what you heard and be sure you heard correctly. Sometimes we wrongly read into what others says.
    Proverbs 18:13 He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.
  2. Seek to understand what your spouse is saying. Try to see the situation from their perspective. Be empathetic – tenderly try to understand their feelings.

Guide Your Mouth

George Sala: “It is difficult not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”

Be slow to speak
James 1:19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

  1. If someone is throwing a verbal grenade at you, be slow to speak.
    1. Your flesh wants to shoot a verbal bomb back, but that will start a battle.
      Proverbs 12:18 There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.
    2. The right thing to do is to respond slowly and calmly. Seek to find out what you have done to irritate, and then apologise and seek forgiveness.
    3. Remember, another’s sinful talk never gives you a license to respond with sinful talk. Do not let another’s evil overcome you.
      Romans 12:21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.
  2. Choose the best time to bring up touchy subjects. Just before bed, just before a meal, and just before church are not good times. Tenderly touching your spouse can help keep them calm when you bring up touchy subjects.

Choose your words carefully

  1. Make “I” statements rather than “you” statements which tend to accuse and blame.[‡]
  2. Do not use unkind forms of communication like generalizations (“You never listen”), blaming, digging up the past, scolding, put-downs, or harshness.[§]
  3. Be tender. This is VERY difficult when you are being attacked, but obeying God’s word will help.
    Proverbs 15:28 The heart of the righteous studieth to answer: but the mouth of the wicked poureth out evil things.
    Proverbs 10:19 In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.
    Colossians 4:6 Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.

    1. Speak with grace – speak with kindness they do not deserve.
    2. Season your words with salt – salt preserves the goodness.
    3. Think before you speak – know how you ought to speak.

Plan regular times to talk
Communication is not just solving disputes and discussing problems. It is sharing ideas, making plans, talking about the Bible, getting counsel, discussing school, laughing, telling stories, comforting, encouraging, sharing burdens and blessings. Turn the TV off and talk!

  1. Mealtimes are excellent communication times.
  2. Just before bed is a good time to talk your kids or your spouse. Build closeness and trust.
  3. During walks, in the car, after church, etc.

Bend Your Knees

Ask God for help

  1. Ask God to help you clean your heart, adjust your ears, and train your mouth. Ask God to help you understand your spouse’s and your children’s needs.
  2. Ask God to help your spouse and your children.

Pray with your spouse and your children

  1. Husband, tenderly lead in praying with your wife. Begin with a short 30-second prayer each night before bed. Gradually add requests until you are able to share your hearts openly with God together.
  2. Daily pray with your children and teach them to pray.

Conclusion

If your communication is not very good, you need to prepare your heart, open your ears, guide your mouth, and bend your knees as we have learned. These four actions will transform your home. Now is the time to ask for God’s guidance and help.

Song: Teach Me Thy Way, O Lord – 337

[*] Priolo, Lou, The Complete Husband, p. 62

[†] Parrott III, Les, Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts, p. 82

[‡] Parrott, p. 81

[§] Priolo, p.70 ff

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Learn to Communicate

25 August 2013 PM – Matthew 1:18-25 – Home Builders – Scott Childs