Quash Selfishness

11 August 2013 PM – 1 Samuel 25:2-17 – Home Builders – Scott Childs

Introduction: Nabel and Abigail lived in Moan near Mt Carmel in Israel. Abigail was a beautiful woman with a good understanding. She was pleasant, agreeable, good-natured, prudent, and generous. Nabel, however, was ungodly, hard, cruel, severe, obstinate, fierce, stubborn, and very selfish.

Like so many marriages today, selfishness made their marriage miserable and it ultimately caused Nabel’s death.

According to the dictionary, selfishness is, “stinginess resulting from a concern for your own welfare and a disregard of others”. As the Irish poet, Oscar Wilde put it, “Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.” Any marriage that is plagued with selfishness is destined for trouble.

Transition: As a home builder, you need to learn how to quash selfishness biblically before it quashes you and your marriage. This evening we are going to look at four steps in reaching this goal.

I.              Identify the Symptoms of Selfishness

A.     Selfishness is the “Me First” syndrome.

1.      Selfish people are focused on their own happiness, demand their own way, expect perfection, are angry, proud, critical, and act like a spoiled child.

Gary Smalley: We may think people make us angry, but most of the time they simply reveal our own selfishness.

2.      Selfish is clearly disobedient to God’s commands.

Philippians 2:3-4 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.

B.     Selfishness usually has deep roots

1.      Selfishness is part of our sin nature.

2.      Selfishness often develops in childhood. Why?

a)      Parents spoil the child. They let him have his way. He becomes proud and stubborn.

b)      Parents fail to reach the heart of the child through Bible instruction, discipline, and prayer. Thus, they fail to develop sharing, giving, caring, others-first virtues in the child.

c)      Parents model selfishness before the child.

d)      As a teen, he becomes a comfort and pleasure seeker.

II.            Become Convinced of the Harm of Selfishness

A.     It harms your walk with God

1.      We are not to live for self but for God.

2 Corinthians 5:15 And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again.

2.      It disobeys God’s command to love others as self.

Matthew 22:39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

Matthew 7:12 Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.

3.      Selfishness is among the sins of the last days.

2 Timothy 3:2 For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,

B.     It harms your marriage and relationships

1.      It harms by being unloving.

1 Corinthians 13:5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

2.      It harms by dishonours your spouse.

1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

Ephesians 5:33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

3.      Selfishness undermines marital friendship and communication, causes emotional harm, ruins holidays, leads to self-gratification and pornography, promotes anger, puts a wedge between you and others, and often leads to infidelity and divorce.

III.           Admit the Problem if You are Selfish

A.     Take an honest look in the mirror at your life

1.      Nabel may not have seen himself as others saw him. Often selfish people are blind to their sin.

2.      Ask someone close to you if you are selfish.

3.      See if these selfish symptoms appear in your life:

Demand your own way, unreasonable expectations, insensitive, angry when you don’t get your way, strong sense of “that’s mine”, expect perfection, blame others for failures, critical, proud, act like a spoiled child, seldom express appreciation, ignoring opinions of others, verbally attacking others, being harsh, habitually late, treat others as unimportant, unwilling to admit guilt . . .

B.     If selfish, you must admit it before you can change.

1.      Denying a problem will only deepen it.

2.      Ask God to break your heart and make you willing to do whatever necessary to quash selfishness.

Psalm 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:  And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 51:17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.

IV.          With God’s Help, Quash Selfishness

Gary Smalley, in his book Love Is a Decision, relates the following words from his wife that awakened him to his sin. “I feel that all the football games you watch on television are more important than I am, the newspaper, your hobbies, your counselling at the church. Gary, I can spend hours working in the kitchen, and you never say a word. . . It’s like I don’t matter to you, but other people do. Infact sometimes I feel that your’re more polite to total strangers than you are to me. You’ll say the most awful things to me, but never to anyone else, especially not people at the church.” p. 19   Gary had been selfish and failed to honour his wife, but he humbly determined to change.

A.     Confess your selfish sin

1.      First, confess it to God (Proverbs 28:13, 1John 1:9)

2.      Second, confess your selfish sin to your spouse and seek their forgiveness.

a)      Be sincere and speak from your heart.

b)      Make no excuses. Call selfishness a sin. Clearly state, “By my selfishness I have hurt you. I was wrong. Would you please forgive me?”

3.      If you have been selfish for a long time, you cannot expect your spouse instantly to get all excited. You will need to rebuild trust, which takes time.

4.      You may trip up, but if you do, own up to it right away and seek forgiveness. Do not give up.

B.     Ask God to change your heart

1.      You are going to need to spend much time in prayer about your selfishness. You must have God’s help to quash it.

2.      Reorganize your priorities in life. Number them 1-10 with ten being the top priority.

a)      Establish a close time with God that is a ten on your list. Value God. Value the Bible. Value prayer.

b)      Place your spouse above everything else in life. Give your spouse the ninth position on your list. Make sure that nothing robs your spouse of that nine.

c)      Your children deserve eighth place. Everything else in life is a seven or lower.

3.      Learn to put others before yourself as the Bible commands. Begin to tithe. Be helpful. Be generous. Be prompt. Be empathetic. Be forgiving.

Conclusion: Selfishness has no place in our marriages. As home builders, we must recognise selfishness, realise the great harm it will do, admit our guilt and then seek God’s help to quash it.

Do not focus on your spouse’s selfishness. Look in the mirror yourself. If you take care of your own selfishness, God can work on your spouse.

Give God the highest priority in your life. Let your life centre around Him. Get serious about your Bible study and prayer time.

Elevate your spouse to priority nine just under God. Replace harshness with tenderness, criticism with praise, neglect with quality time, and stinginess with generosity.

Song: Teach Me Thy Way, O Lord – 337